Hey guys ^_^ this is my first entry in a WHILE.. AGHH honestly I ahve really bad time bllindess, and I don't remember my last blog being so far early in the year.. I remember it being a lot more recent. Yuck.. I'm sorry for being Neglectful to my poor website and blogs. I will talk about the website first; I want to code so badly! But i'm devoid of ideas. I'm hopefully going to get to it soon. The way a lot of my pages are broken is so irritating. I promise that it'll look REALLY amazing whenever I get to it. Actually, I guess I do have almost every change I want laid out except for my about me page (WHICH I HATE. IT'S NOT ME AT ALL!!) I just feel like i have no confidence in myself to be able to do it. But I promise. Big things coming.
I feel like I don’t have a lot to update you guys on :? Well the biggest thing for me right now is .. I’m trying my absolute best to be happy! Um and I guess it’s working well. I kind of realized the things that were bothering me lately were all kind of.. self inflicted.. or at least I didn’t have to do it. Like how I make myself spiral down my bad thought loops instead of doing something about it.. I know I have things that will bother me no matter what, like my meltdowns, stress, etc.. but I’ve accepted it at this point and I can ground myself and let myself know that it’s not a big deal and probably won’t matter in like an hour..
I will say though, being able to break free so easily kind of feels invalidating T_T but it’s okay, I’m still Me without all the bad stuff.. it’s just hard because I’ve had the bad stuff for so long! But I should’t have given up so early. I decided to give up on my life as a child because it was absolutely hopeless for me and no one would pay attention to me.. but now I’m almost an adult.. I don’t have any abusive people holding me down anymore. And I guess I’m glad I did all of my trauma processing so early. I’ve went through a lot of stages in life as a teenager, I’ve changed multiple times, losing grasp of myself like every month.. but I’m finding myself I think. A huge contender for my suicidal episode for the majority of this year was just that I’m getting older. I couldn’t see myself being able to get a job, I couldn’t even visualize the future at all. I still can’t … but I feel like I have the ability to support myself now..
there’s a lot of restrictive routine stuff i’ve forced myself into since I’m autistic :p but I’m learning that I can add anything to my routine.. getting used to going somewhere else instead of home would be horribly tiresome for a while, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get used to it just like I did with school. I’m in the process of looking for a job right now. It’s likely I’ll just work at the place my friends have but I’m also looking to have an appointment with a job shadower, maybe I’ll find something better that would accommodate for me. Also I actually have a plan for after I graduate now with my girlfriend which is nice. I have a lot of time to prepare for adult responsibilities.. and I don’t think it’ll be as horrible as I imagined it these past years lol.. because it’s me. I’m not the other people I’ve observed.. it’ll be Okay.
Anywho something I’m working towards is being more social.. a huge part of why I’ve been doing so bad is just that no one wants to have me around, I couldn’t see myself being able to be around people because I was so Repulsive. But it turns out I think it’s because all I could think and talk about was bad stuff.. at least if I could get rid of that in my mind then it could be fixed.. but it was like a never ending loop.. no one was going to help me out of it because I could only talk about things that I was going through, which drives people away. So I’d keep asking, and asking.. and no one would be there. I’d keep doing it because I thought it would make someone care about me. It’s been like that for a very long time. But I decided I needed to do this myself. And I’ve decided to hold no grudges for the people that wouldn’t help me. It doesn’t make them bad people. It’s just hard, like what do you even say to a person that says “No matter What I Always want to Kill myself and No one is here for me Goodbye”.
I feel really guilty about doing this for so long.. but I’m going to fix it!! I’m going to try. I never had or have any intention of hurting people. I know I’m not a bad person for it, I was just struggling immensely and the only thing I could do was ask for attention. But it was just worse because no one would give it to me.. because my friends have known me for so long, like since 5th grade I’ve done that. And that’s how long I’ve wanted to die for, that’s how long I’ve been in this never-ending loop of horrible things. I’ve had a lot of unhealthy attachments to people. I regret them very much. I thought that if I talked about bad things I did, that they would never leave me because they would want to help me. But I learned the hard way that that hurts the people I care about and makes them want to leave. I never want to hurt anyone again. I don’t sulk around about it anymore. I do regret still doing it on accident after I thought I had clarity about it.. but I was growing. I’ve been sad about all the wonderful people that cut off contact with me.. I have a lot of dreams about them. I’ve had 4 dreams in a row the past days about the same person that I think doesn’t like me anymore.. it bothers me that I can’t prove that I’m here now, I want to be a good friend.. but it’s justified, and it’s okay. Because they gave me that chance like.. 5 different times after deciding they didn’t want to be around me anymore, and yes I did Grow every time? I guess? i just did the same thing in different ways though.. so.. I don’t hold it against them. I just want to grow as a person now.. and never freaking have to do that again.
Anywho.. after I had no one who wanted to pay attention to me anymore, I looked for escape in other things. A variety of a lot of different things that my body and my brain still pays the price for now. After I ran out (around march of last year) it got really bad for me emotionally. I just didn’t know what to do. I was completely lost. I just wanted to die. I would try to pick myself back up, but then realize I had nothing to live for. i had a lot of existential struggles. And I guess it’s still like this, like my last breakdown was a couple days ago. But I at least know the cause of that breakdown and I know how to fix it.
That’s what made me determined to REALLY pick myself up this time. Everything I just talked about basically has been bothering me. I am working towards being a good friend. I’m not like.. a betrayer.. I don’t really do anything except isolate myself.. so all I have to do is express my warmth and affection towards my friends.. and it’s been going very well, I feel very happy about it. I love my friends. I don’t know if anyone understands that if I want to be friends with them.. you’re literally caged inside of my heart forever. It’s like collecting who I feel connected to and carrying their warmth with me wherever I go because I know they’re my friends. Because I know I love them and I know maybe they love me(it doesn’t matter if they do or not because we’re still mutual friends ok). I’m friends with everyone I feel like I have a soul connection to. My love is so horribly strong for my friends, I just don’t know how to express it. I kind of feel like I have no love language -_-‘ I’m not a talker, not really a gift giver(I’m too much of a procrastinator) I’m not a guy who can hang out much since I get stressed about schedules.. i especially cannot play games with people except special occasions because I don’t even know.. so I don’t know -_- I’ll figure it out. I think I just might ask my friends what makes them feel connected to people. I’m just really bad at showing affection, just like how it’s taken my 2 years in my relationship to finally show my girlfriend I love her -_- I just feel like if I want to be around you that’s a huge way I show you I like you.. but then I kinda fumble the rest and it’s not for me very much. I wish I could telepathically send messages to people you know :/ I’ll figure it out.
Anyways. I think I’m very happy with the person I came out to be? I feel like besides all my mental health stuff and the accidental bad things I’ve done.. I’m probably one of the coolest people on earth. No one knows it though cuz I’m awkward. As someone who has full access to my brain and the world inside of it, it’s awesome. I’m very interesting. I’ve been reading a lot about manipulative language and there’s so much that I’ve heard everywhere and people don’t even realize it. An example could be asking an emotional child why they are angry and telling them to stop. Not the best thing to do.. but no one realizes it.. it’s kind of upsetting. But anyways I realized I don’t do anything like that to anybody so that’s cool. The only bad things I really do is just like not talk and sometimes I make people think i’m mad somehow for not talking. Ok I’m bored I’m going to write the next part. Long story short I’m nice and so close to being the most mentally healthy person on the earth.
Okay the yapper section is over.. I have different things to talk about. I guess.. yup I started senior year a few weeks ago.. I freakin made it. It’s gone alright I suppose. My teachers are nice I Guess. My English teacher Hates me cuz uhm u know.. I’m not a real boy ..herh.. it’s funny though cuz she’ll call me out in front of class like Did u do your work and I’m like ?? Yes I freaking did my work I always do it what are you yapping about. That doesn’t sound mean but it’s like she gives me this look and I’m the only person she does that too. But I think she’s finally giving me some sympathy because my 504 meeting happened and the plan went out so now my teachers aren’t oblivious to it. Speaking of being deaf it’s gotten So hard. My biggest problem isn’t even my hearing loss anymore it’s just my audio processing is so bad like it’s so dumb. I have to focus on people talking to me REALLY REALLY hard and if one little thing happens i didn’t hear a thing. It doesn’t help that I Am always overwhelmed.. my worst processing happens outside when it’s bright and it sucks because I’m like aAAGHHH THE BRIGHTNESS IT HURTS SO MUCH THAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU AT ALL.. I can’t hear you it’s bright in here. It sucks when you think about how rude you seem but a little funny when you don’t think about that. Like what even is wrong with me brah.
Last Friday me and my girlfriend went to another state to see King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard live. About a month before I’m guessing we saw SeeYouSpaceCowboy live as well. The kglw concert was honestly a lot more energetic which is WEIRD because sysc and their opening bands were all hardcore and kglw is basically um for hippies. I think I had more fun at the sync show though because all of the music was danceable for me.. cuz hardcore music doesn’t often have to have certain qualities for me to like it because it’s energetic it’s noisy it’s awesome so I can mosh to it regardless. I love kglw but for more melodic music it’s different. Also it smelled like every single drug and alcohol at kglw like everyone was doing all kinds of drugs. Probably the only time I regret not smoking weed!!! it was still really fun though. Also after sysc I couldn’t walk for like 3 days I miss it. I want to mosh like tomorrow we all die!!! Also we are going to see knocked loose in October.. I’m really excited. Drain, military gun, and the garden (??(also that would be the second time I’ve seen them even though this would be only my fourth show..)) will be playing there too.
What else.. well. There is my art and music and stuff. I have art block right now, but I think I’m getting my momentum back maybe. Before that I spent the entire summer having so much fun with art and aaaghhh it was awesome. I’m just struggling to have new ideas and new things to draw at the moment. I had a successful year in art fight. I rekindled with an old friend group I used to be a part of and spent time in their own little art fight discord server, which was fun. So I was doing that along with the web one. It was pretty hard and I was paralyzed until the last week of the month but I Still did it. Next year though I have to decide for just one of them because I don’t want to paralyze myself again! I just want to hoard a bunch of points for myself and be so happy about it. Besides art fight I’ve been working on one of my sketchbooks. I have like a million I start and never finish but with this one I’m not stressed so I think I can do it. It’s a little slow because I always take huge breaks in it, but I think it will be my main project for now. I’m currently renovating the beginning of the sketchbook, which I really like doing because it’s not hard to get ideas then.. and it’s just like satisfying because the art I replace it with doesn’t have to be GOOD it just has to be Better. I’m excited for it to be fully decorated!! I love scrapbooking so much. I want more stickers and stuff. That other sketchbooks I was working on that got REALLY freaking thick but I’m only halfway through it.. I think I’m done with it. At least for now. I’ll have to figure out a different style(?) to use for the second half, because like what I was doing was way too much. It was fun but like I did most of it in school and I’d have to Bring out my thick book and then like a bunch of loose paper and then my Bag of art supplies then my scissors and all my glue at my desk and everyone’s staring at me like uhm dude. Also it’s kind of hard to make stuff like that I don’t know. I still literally do the exact same thing in class I just try to minimize the amount of supplies on my desk. Besides that it’s just really thick and I can’t do itlike that anymore anyway because when I take pictures it looks awfully disproportionate because one side of the page is normal and the other is really high and bent. I’ll probably just doodle in it. It may be boring but I’d finish it then. I’ll work on it after my main sketchbook now okay. I’m also hoping that I can have an ART YOUTUBE CHANNEL one day and show off my books and yeah that’d be cool.. when I draw I narrate to myself like I am talking to an audience. So it’d be great.
OK also I’ve been feeling Pretty Good about my appearance. I’m very Confident. I’m not overly dysphoric about my body anymore. I cut my hair the shortest I’m willing for it to be and I’m very happy. I feel like myself, especially when it’s bleached. It’ just that I can only let people see my hair if it has mousse in it, because if it doesn’t it’s completely flat and AGHGRH it’s so BAD. That’s how it was before but if I do it now it’ll be worse so I have to always have hair products in now. I’ve also been having fun with makeup and stuff! I really enjoy it. I mainly just use eyeshadow but I use lip gloss or lipstick Just Sometimes. It depends on my mood of the day how it will look. I don’t try to make it obvious when I go to school because uhm that’s scary I’ll get punched in the face. there’s a dude in one of my classes who wears eyeliner so Knowing that made me more confident to be a boy who likes makeup. I’m also not willing to push down my interests so whatever. Also. Rekindled my love for skirts. My gf gave me an amazing skirt and I just love it. It’s a long black one. When I wear it I put it over my jeans cuz that’s what I like. It makes me feel so like myself combined with some cool makeup. I don’t feel girly I feel like a weird creature.. aghhh!!!I think I’m getting tired so I’ll go ahead and finish writing this. I also don’t think anyone would read this even if the length was three fourths smaller so I won’t try to delve in my brain for topics anymore. I hope you all have an amazing day!