11.11.24

Good afternoon blog.. I’m going to have to revamp the blog soon because I honestly prefer the layout of what I have on my microblog to use because honestly, I don’t have that much to talk about every time I want to write. I do have just some feelings I want to think about right now though. I think I need to process my situations more. I have a disconnect between how things are described and how it actually feels to go through them. I try to be intuitive and I try to look out for myself, be as aware as possible, but things are moving so slowly and hopelessly for me. I’m sure after school my life will be so much more fulfilling, but right now all I can think is “is this all I’m going to do?” I want to make an impact on the world. I want to be creative,. I want to be unique. I want to inspire others to be themselves. I feel like my lack of a persona makes me unable to do what I want, because apparently my trauma still has it’s marks left all over me, and I honestly feel like a very repulsive person. I don’t feel as agonizingly bad about it as I used to back in the day, because I used to have to be repulsive to correspond to my own thoughts. I used to attention seek a lot. But that is beside the point.
I’m finding that I want to shrink inside myself again and I feel disgusting. But it doesn’t make sense. I’ve been trying to improve things the best I can, I’ve been feeling so much better. My life makes zero sense to me right now. I feel confused and lost and dizzy and stressed. As I try to navigate myself it makes no sense to me. I don’t have it very bad in my life, you know? I used to. I used to have an abusive father and a bystander mom, the worst it gets now is I just get overstimulated or my dad just says some outlandish thing he says he’s gonna do but he’s not. Things are weird. I feel like I should have something else. In my mind it feels like I’ve had to process so much trauma but the actual trauma I’ve been through is like.. not a lot. Especially in my previous years, the last 5 years, I think I just trapped myself in my own head. What is happening? What have I been up to? Does anyone else feel like this? I’m irritated. I want to start my life again from scratch. I want to be a teenager again and make the right decisions for myself. I hear about these successful high school graduates and everyone planning for college now and I just.. what have I been doing. I haven’t done any extracurriculars I just kind of sit here then walk to classes and go home and spend time on my computer, but if I try to do anything else I will shut down. I get stressed out and burned out and just wish I could rest. I don’t feel good about it. I’m wishing that I used my time the last years to do more things. I wish I was never mentally ill. I wish I never deluded myself into thinking I had it bad. I’ve been able to enjoy things, I just never let myself enjoy them. I’ve always had everything I ever needed and for some reason wishing for more. I put myself in a box and say no one loves me when I don’t even try to make anyone love me; as in I don’t get out of my shell, I don’t talk to anyone because even thinking about doing something else gives me a headache.
I want something new but it’s so hard to start from here. Almost done with my senior first semester. It’s the first time since sixth grade I’ve had good grades. I wish I didn’t have to feel like I’ve wasted my whole life. I’ve wasted it all since I was in sixth grade. I mean, it wasn’t really my fault. I had a view of the world where it felt like I was trapped in a cage. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to do so much. I felt terrified. I only broke out of that cage really 2 years ago. My girlfriend really helped me. I wasn’t even ever really out of my house until I met my girlfriend. I wasn’t able to visit my friends until then. Maybe I gave myself that expectation. It’s true though, my dad is extremely outlandish about things. He’d always get mad over things I would get so confused about. He’d make so many assumptions about me that still affect me to this day; he did not even consider me a human, I’m pretty sure. So I never tried to do anything outside of going to school and going home, because what happens if I take one wrong step…? I still don’t but I have more of a choice now I think.. I wish I didn’t take those 2 1/2 years completely at home and doing virtual school for granted. I wish I did more. All I did was try to hurt myself. I was hardly a person then. I wish I was more. I wish I could rely on myself more. I guess I just need to wait until I can start a fresh start when I can move in with my girlfriend.
I’m so stressed. This is so scary. I feel so stupid for not handling life differently this entire time as a teenager. It’s all so wasted. It’s hard to look forward to the future when I don’t have a lot to take from or build on. I’m disappointed in myself for being mentally ill right now. I’ve wasted so much time in my spirals, my anxiety and panic attacks, my depressive episodes, my suicide attempts, my self harm, other addictions, ugh. And I am still struggling to completely get out of it even though I’m so irritated about it! AGH! I know this whole time I’ve just felt like it wasn’t real and I have no future, and I’m only thinking about it now because I’M ABOUT TO BE AN ADULT. I’m going to move out and get a job and god. I don’t want to move from this place. I don’t want anything to change. But I do want it to change. What do I want? At least I’m not getting into one of my (depressive) spirals about it and coming to the consensus I should just end my life.. which I did earlier this year -_- . I’m just rightfully processing my feelings. It’s hard, it’s confusing, I’m sure other people have felt like this, I just have never thought about it. I don’t like not being able to predict the future. I REALLY don’t like it. I’ve been able to do it a lot as a child but now I’m gonna be an adult and I’ll have to do it myself. I don’t even know what’s happening. I don’t have a single clue what to expect, seriously not even a small thing. I don’t know how to do any of it. I’m overwhelmed. I’m supposed to have a job by now anyways. I applied to a job but they stopped hiring right after I sent my application. And now I’m realizing if I had that job right now, I’d be really overwhelmed. I wanted one as I finish high school but I feel so restricted in my schedule already and I’ll just get burnt out and then not even graduate probably. I feel like a failure for not having a job. I feel bad for needing to wait after graduation. I hate being in this stupid capitalist society especially as an autistic person. I can hardly focus on more than one thing in life and I just forget what is ahead of me and what I should be doing. Trying to think of it all right now is making me want to melt on the floor I feel like I’m seeing red. I’ve at least gotten out of my box of depressive ptsd stuff but what now? I don’t even know. I’m lost.

have a great day