Hi neocities :wave: there is maybe a lot to talk about.. I’ve been slacking on literally everything LOL I need to work on this website again but I’m so. I don’t even know.. but prepare for the next time I get a coding rush I will somehow do so much. I know I probably shouldn’t write about things that I will most likely regret writing later but I just feel like I have to get so many thoughts out of my head.. + this is My blog deal with it bro.
First of all my mental health isn’t doing very well in a multitude of ways .. I’ve been trying to deal with it but it’s really difficult especially since I’ve been overwhelmed by a Lot of things. The first thing I’m going to talk about is The mental hospital.. I did something That my school found out about and it was this whole thing and they took me to the mental hospital and all.. the process took forever and the hospital here is probably the most gross and awful place made ever like The only way it’d make you less suicidal is because it’s Worse than the life you had before.. but Do not fear I was only there for like a day.. it’s insane to me they saw me and thought I genuinely didn’t need a psychiatric evaluation but whatever. That made me really depressed for a while I think I didn’t stop crying for a few days.. just because it was like.. I thought someone was finally going to see me and understand my struggles but I guess not.
I’m not going to go too in-depth about my feelings because I Don’t mean to make my blog venty or anything. i am just sad that I’ve been through so much my entire life-literally all of it is just: bad thing happens->really bad process of healing-and I thought I would be seen (I know that I have Therapy but it’s just .not that great for me because I’m still way too nervous to speak about my real feelings despite being there for almost a year+I also don’t remember most of the things that happen every week that make me struggle) but all they prescribed to me was an Extra therapy session every week and antidepressants that I won’t take because my parents refuse to give me antidepressants (I don’t exactly mind because they scare me too but I’d like to try them at least once.. For real their bad experiences were only because they weren’t actually depressed). And I am also not allowed to be by myself anymore which has Literally ruined my stress levels and my chance to be productive or anything. All in all it wasn’t very worth it that I decided to tell people what happened-like how is any of this supposed to make me feel like I can tell people about my thoughts when doing that literally ruined Most things I had for myself.. and no one even ended up helping me despite them knowing things about me now that they weren’t supposed to know. And mostly they forgot anything happened besides constantly taunting me because no one can “trust me” now Ok.
Ok finally let’s move on to something else..geez!! What have I been doing.. I have been extremely annoyed with my lack of doing anything lately and the fact I’m Not able to be home alone after school anymore which is like my calm-down-from-being-overwhelmed-all-day time and has Ruined a lot of aspects of my productivity and my ability to like.. do anything.. which I noticed Has happened after all of this. The only thing I’ve been able to do is draw I think but it’s really stressful to do now. I have barely been able to do any of my work or do chores or anything. And it’s way harder to get through my weird being overwhelmed thing where if I can’t Chill out I just continue to get worse and worse at stuff like Basic human interaction which I’m already bad at but it’s getting worse when I thought I was just improving on it.. /ᐠ - ˕ -マ mostly for Real life interactions though since I just can’t focus on anything now.. it’s becoming increasingly impossible to stay focused while someone is talking to me which is extremely Irritating and is draining all of my energy >﹏<“
I will talk about what I AM doing now though.. I’ve been working on one of my sketchbooks at the very least. I think I like it but I’m struggling figuring out what to draw. I hadn’t worked on it since sometime last year, because I keep making new ones since I get stressed easily in my books o.O I still haven’t even uploaded any of my other sketchbooks on my website yet!! Not even my loose traditional drawings.. eek it’s pretty difficult since I have to talk pictures of them with the shittiest phone ever that barely works.. then send them all to myself and then crop them then edit them to look more visible..then reduce the size.. and then finally upload them.. which is really Annoying btw. I Can’t right now because I can’t send myself anything.. but I could probably upload some drawings I already did in 2019 I just haven’t finished editing them yet!!
I’m also going to be meeting with my friend randy to meet up with an online friend in real life for the first time ₍^ >ヮ<^₎ I’m mostly nervous though.. I haven’t talked to him a lot even though I’ve known him for 5 years lawl. And as I said I’m getting WORSE at human interaction and especially since this is going to be at a Dave n busters it’s going to be really difficult to regulate myself in there (｡>﹏<) I’m sooo nervous but hopefully it’ll be fun.. I also went to randy’s birthday party last Sunday ^_^ it was pretty fun but I wasn’t able to talk that much, I’m not sure what it is-it’s not verbal shutdown I just stop being able to talk as much so I didn’t really get to talk to friends much :( I wish I could have interacted more but I liked watching everyone too. My girlfriend also may visit my house after school, but my room is very dirty..I tried to clean it but I just can’t bring myself to!! So I’m stressed about that.. ૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ₎ა
I also heard about plans to go to another video game convention.. I really love conventions!! They are really fun.. I hopefully can choose more things to get now though.. last time I was stressed out and I kind of regretted getting 50$ amiibos when I could have gotten 2 20$ miku figures.. maybe there will be some deals like that again ^_^ also don’t forget the 15$ huge sonic plushie I got from there.. I DON’T regret that ฅ/ᐠ. ̫ .ᐟ\ฅ I forgot it’s also going to be easter on sunday /ᐠ - ˕ -マ There’s so much to do this weekend.. I know it is weird that i’m stressed out over fun things, but I kind of wish icould get a little time to myself @_@ i’ll find some way to handle it.
I want to talk about some new interests I’ve gotten ^_^ they’re not too interesting but I just want to talk about them.. I first got super interested in ukagakas a few weeks ago after finding out they exist.. they’re like jpanaese software mascots for your computer.. they’re so cool /ᐠ≽•ヮ•≼マ I wish i could get one but unfortunately I use a mac _ ꞈ _ it’s watever bro… I just really like things with mascots that aren’t really part of anything, like shows or mangas or anything.. Kind of like vocaloids where they have mascot designs but they provide a purpose,.. and you can make your own variations of them no matter what ദ്ദി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧ i love it!! Also why i love super sonico (I know what she was made for but i really just like the brand because they made these mascots and they’re just little figures you can have.. ohh it’s so cool ^_^ You Won’t ever have me buying the figures for their intended purpose though.. they’re just cool OK..) .. and i also got into di gi charat for the same reasons ˶^•ﻌ•^˵ i know it’s an anime but dejiko was actually first made as a video game store mascot, and i love her a lot.. i don’t feel weird liking her mostly for that, because other people did too and that’s why the show and manga was made.. who couldn’t love her design though :p
I Haven’t played it in a while but a couple weeks ago I started playing tomodachi life again.. I hadn’t logged into it in literally 5 years.. my parents kind of took over my game, I remember getting grounded at some point for playing on it but my dad denies he ever did that.. so half of the miis in my apartment are from my parents characters I DO NOT want there but they’re kind of stuck there I suppose(don’t tell them I secretly deleted a few of their miis. I’m not Evil they won’t notice..) I decided to redo a lot of my miis because they were EXTREMELY ugly and not accurate!!! I’m happier with them now ..ฅ ≽ܫ≼ ฅ I added some more too.. I made Noelle holiday.. I’m so glad I did she’s so pretty and makes me happy >ᴗ< I gave her a Christmas room!! And the perfect deer Christmas sweater..
wait!! One last thing.. i also am into something called Ikigusare idols right now.. i don't know if i like the music too much but i am Indefinitely .. what's the word.. i don't know i just know I Like it in the Interested sense. that makes no sense.. I'm just really bad at drawing the idols.. they're really pretty though ≽^•⩊•^≼ ₊˚ i'm thinking about covering injection girl, I know it is their popular song but it's popular for a reason!! I'd still say it's one of their coolest songs. And i really like singing it.. it'd be fun, maybe I should ^_^
I think that may be the end of this blog ..? First I want to talk about maybe future plans.. I am hoping I can at some point revamp my whole website again? I wondered if I should redo my entire index, but I don’t have many ideas.. I want everything to be completely unique and homemade, and I want to be proud of it. I really REALLY have to redo my about me, I hate the one I have up.. I am also hoping to add to and redo my shrines.. there’s way too much to do, it’s stressing me out :( I want to feel like there’s a place for me again, right now I’m ashamed of my site sadly ˙◠˙ hopefully I can get ideas and energy soon..? i just want to start a project now.. any project!! But I don’t know if I have the energy or willpower yet.. but I promise I’m still thinking of this website.. bye everyone, thank you for reading ⋆˚🐾