(Warning for this entry that I talk weird and I’m not sure why and I’m sorry)
Helo neocities momolover fans. I am back with an Extremely delayed entry because if I were honest I don’t have the most to write about and I don’t like being too personal here.. but I have been suffering an episode of bad thoughts and not much motivation which is why I haven’t really updated too much…but Alas do not worry! I have joyous things to share as well. I think.. I can’t remember much of what has happened more than a month ago, and it feels like it is not the best time anymore for talking about my Christmas experience.. but it was my worst and most boring Christmas ever -_- all I wanted were ponies and I Did get one but it was from the last generation which I HATE forever and ever deeply in my soul.
BUT! It is okay.. because it was also my birthday (which I shared lovingly with my girlfriend Mari and my best friend Randall ..) that I did not get any good gifts on either but a couple weeks ago my nana took me thrift shopping then only shopping where I bought 30 WHOLE PONY PLUSHIES for 80 DOLLARS.. my life has shared less pain ever since I received them.. And I Also bought a dj technorch album for 5 dollars on jp mercari I am waiting to receive.. but now I am wishing I could have gotten a few other ones too.. I Gained a new love for yellow magic orchestra (the band) and I wish so badly to own solid state survivor (the album) please listen to that album because it’s so cool. I like their other albums too but not as dearly.
What else have I done that is not related to consumerism.. I have been sick for a while, but it’s very strange.. last week on Tuesday I had to leave school early, I felt incredibly nauseous and shaky, in the same way as last time.. and I could not stand for a couple of days because if I did for a prolonged amount of time, I would not be able to breathe and I would nearly faint.. and it HURT.. then that passed and I thought I was better, but then a day later my throat became very sore to the point I could not swallow, and then I apparently had an ear infection that was one of the most torturous ones I’ve ever had. it hurt so much and I couldn’t stop crying and I usually do not cry from physical pain… and it also turned out that from my ear infection I also got pinkeye, and a very large amount of discharge came out of my eye when I closed it.. I’m sorry if that is gross, but personally I would be intrigued.. umm but I went to the doctor and I feel better now that I’ve been given antibiotics which are EXTREMELY large by the way and I have to cut them in half. The reason I went to the doctor was also because I went before and I said I’d give blood that day, I wasn’t ready that day for undisclosed reasons. But if you know me you might have figured out I hv e severe Fear of needles, and I had already mustered up all my courage to take my blood.. but then I had to a second time because I was not hydrated and ended up having a panic attack which was very embarrassing.. and I hope the blood lady isn’t mad at me. I would overshare all of the emotions I feel about taking my blood but it’s too complex and hard to describe but just know it makes me extremely terrified and in a lot of uncomfortable pain.
The other day, I released something new on my bandcamp so that I’d have a feeling of accomplishment, but I actually feel very embarrassed about the songs that I created.. I made them in a day, and I wanted to experiment with longer songs. I did not really achieve my goals, and I do not enjoy how they sound. I did not feel the best as I told people about it, but it’s Ok.. I’m just not sure if I should unpost it or not, since my band camp Is just an archival and it’s not serious. I do wonder why I make music anyways, it’s not my strongest skill and I never make anything I’m that happy with..
I’ve been interested in teratology lately.. actually I always have been, but I never knew the name for the science.. now that I do, I can study a lot more of the things I’m interested in :3 I am also hoping to redesign and write a lot of stuff for the webpage about the mind and body, but it’s a bit stressful knowing I have so much I want to write about, not knowing how to categorize the essays and everything .. I want a page that describes general psychology, the explanation of trauma and how it affects you, and then other pages about teratology, where I talk about chromosome mutations, different types of congenital abnormality (congenital cephalic disorders, minor physical abnormalities(which are interesting and cool), how these conditions affect the organs etc…) But that is a lot and I don’t know how to do it. I’ve semi-wrote the one about cephalic disorders but I don’t know how to write these up to be long enough for a whole page.. whatever I will figure it out one day.. i don’t have much to do with my website I am not so sure what to do anymore.. but I know I’ll have a mother burst of motivation somehow soon. Sorry if this post is weird, I feel like I can’t really talk like myself anymore .. so If anything’s off I guess that’s why :p I’m also pretty nervous, dealing with the resurgence of my severe anxiety (seriously I’m incredibly nauseous all the time..) That I thought I dealt with and I literally don’t spiral or catastrophize or anything it’s just an extremely strong feeling I feel constantly and I have random panic attacks and anxiety attacks and it’s so weird and annoying and I don’t understand it. I wonder if that it a common thing people deal with, but I mostly just meet people who’s anxiety is caused by catastrophizing… who knows.. but Yup I think I’ll leave this here.. thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day ^_^