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11.01.24

Ok before i'm really happy i need to get out my frustration. UUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE SEWED THIS LITTLE BALL AND I DREW A SMILEY FACE ON HIM WITH FABRIC MARKER AND IT BLED THROUGH EVERYWHERE BECAUSE I WASHED HIM YESTERDAY AND I DIDN'T THINK TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT IF HE'S DRY AND HES RUINED UUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE AND I CAN'T FIX IT WITH PEROXIDE BECAUSE I'M IN S CHOOL AND I'M IMPATIENT UGH. literlaly i'm so upset about this but i can probably ..sew over his face.. even though that'd look weird.. WHATEVER. OK. ANYWAYS i had an amazing halloween i went on my trinket walk after my amazing lunch and i didn't find toooo much but it was still fun. i found a board of wood, a broken in half plate, two little bottles, a 10 foot long chain, a bag of cotton balls, and black see through fabric. after that i waited and sewed my ball(...) and then i went trick or treat with my brother and my parents and for some reason it was so amazing and fun i was a ball(.......) of energy and i loved walking and AGHHH i felt so joyous i was hardly socially anxious. we did that for about an hour and my candy was all kind of boring but it's okay. i ate dinner and then i sewed some of my gen 5 ponies together to make a pony centipede which was really fun and i also watched the walten files with my awesome friend lauryn. and then i went to bed and now it's today. annndd i don't really have any plans besides RUINING my SMILEY BALL UGH I SHOULD DIE. but i am seeing my wife this weekend. have an awesome day everyone i'm just mad right now hrk krhk hrk. (disregard the smiley ball comments i accept him now i tried to cover up his spots to the best of my ability with fabric marker and he kind of just has faint black spots everywhere i accept my baby regardless of his birth defects i lvoe him.i'm just peeved NOW because i was going to fix up his holes and i ended up not ever finding my sewing needle last night and i d idn't bring it with me to school but i had a false memory that i did ugh.)

10.31.24

Happy halloween!!! ^3^ feeling particularly awkward today but am trying my best. i'm just dressing up as finn again. today i'll be going trick or treating for maybe the last time.. I know i'm almost 18 but aAHHH why can't fun stuff be for old people too. I've been feeling obsessed with having trinkets againa nd i'm SO frustrated that i don't have any trinkets. maybe i'll go trinket collecting when i go home or while i'm trick or treating. i'd love to scavenge the sidewalks and the boxes on the side of the road. i am considering learning crochet as well.. i also want to start sewing little trinkets because that'd be nice. right now i'm trying to sew a smiley ball. i want more little items Q_Q waaaghh

10.28.24

hai :wave: the concert was fine i suppose.. i actually couldn't finish any new songs so i just remixed some older songs.. i was really excited and it was amazing when i was practicing but then when i actually performed i got really anxious and my voice was shaking. i am not sure i've ever sung while i was anxious so that was weird.. i was really disappointed in my performance and some people said they liked it but it definitely wasn't really part of the conversation so i'm really embarrassed and i want to quit music now (i just wish it was more of a big deal).. i'll still try to do a set for the christmas concert but i still don't think anyone cares or enjoyed it -_- maybe it'll be better and more fun by then though. anyhoo my girlfriend and my friend did really amazing and i'm excited to hear the official recordings of their music it was so cool.. i also tried mushrooms this weekend but i took a pretty low dose, like 0.3 grams so it wasn't crazy or anything. it was grounding me to the earth but i spend most of my time dissociated so i couldn't tell if it was working or not.. i kind of thought about the same things i always think about with not much conclusion. maybe one day i'll do a higher dose and it will help me find the solution to my problems.. for then it was just like Big Weed. it made me feel like i was floating when i smoked some by the end of my trip, it was nice but i was kind of forced to do other things when i wanted to do the things that made me happier and energetic. i wanted to perform while i had that feeling, but i couldn't, it ran out T_T it definitely would have went better if i floated and felt my music liked i wanted to, but i really just stood still and swayed nervously the whole time..

10.22.24

Hi everyone. I don't have tooo much to say today (i'm not forcing myself to write these i swear i just like talking) But I'm VERY excited because I've figured out how my album is i think..? i made a little demo yesterday and you could not believe the amount of jamming i did. OH MY GOD i swear my new music will be NOTHING like my old music it will be. Amazing. my imporvment is insane. I really wish i could work on it at school but i CAN'T.. such a bother. I hope i can get enough songs done in time for the concert... i think that's all..

10.21.24

Hi guys. me and my wife had a very VERY nice time this weekend i am very excited for next time. in a week her and my friend lion (their band) are going to have a concert and i really want to open as i've been invited to do but I HAVE BEEN SEVERELY MUSICALLY SLACKING OFF. it is also a halloween party. so i got some things to figure out. I mean i have some songs but it's not what i'd like. i'd like to perform!!! also, this weekend i celebrated my friends' birthdays at the haunted trail. nothing notable happened (i dissociate too much to feel lik ei'm experiencing anything, also, i don't get scared like that) except there was a room with freddy krueger and he was in the middle of licking his tongue over his knife in my face when i stuck my tongue out and he was grossed out by me. he must have thought i was uncomofrtable because i wasn't making eye contact but nope i'm just autistic i will still lick you bro. I made friends with the person i talked about last time.. he passed a note to me saying he saw me and my friends this morning and that he likes our style and vibes and i said i wanted to be friends with him. so me and lion met up with him at lunch and UGH i'm so bad at talking i DID NOT feel like me at all i didn't even say everything i could have said.. UGH the endless frustration of social situations. i feel like i want to explain everything about myself and i want to be known completely and i just FORGOT. i know that's annoying as well but. I am very comforted when everything that can be known about me is known you know. that's what always frustrates me when i want to make a friend i think.art has been frustrating me so bad.. i feel like i have the least minimal skill and creativeness a person can have and i'm trying so hard but ugh i don't want to draw like i do but what do i do about it.. T_T sigh. I downloaded this app to help me with goals and making new ones and so far it's been helping me a lot. it's really cute and very helpful. this week i will try to eat healthier.. even tho i think the only time i ate kind of unhealthy last week was with my wife.. but whatever i'll still try. i hope it's not bad to eat lots of fruit and fruit juice.. i love fruit too much. by the way i have oranges now and ate one for breakfast. ALSO i did not need a single tylenol this weekend!! i will see you al later, until then i will be wroking on my art and hopefully music..

10.18.24

Sorry for the little blogs everyday, it's so much easier to write here than on my blog which i feel should be for very long tangents.. it's only the morning, but I am thinking about how reclusive and scared I am. there are people i want to be friends with, but i'm agonizingly slow and way too nervous to progress our reltionships. there's someone in my science class i feel drawn to, they feel drawn to me as well i assume because I was the first one they talked to in the class and they like only to do lab assignments with me. I'm just very awkward, I don't progress any conversation, and I'm even scared to look at their face. I wish i knew how they thought of this situation Q_Q they are also very shy, I've also noticed a lot of impulses they have — i understand their behavior.. i feel like we have that unspoken connection thing going on.. but i might just be looking too much into it.. and being WEIRD... i often do that with people. is this a thing with anyone else? I also have soemone I've been trying to become closer with for some time that I met in my art class, but my milestones are very far away from eachother and I'm very slow... he assumes I don't really like to be talked to in real life, so he doesn't .. but I only don't if the person talking to me is not patient, or judges me for my words because often times i feel completely dissociated from current situations and my words may get scrambled up or aren't accurate or appropriate for the situation.. so anytime i talk to people i don't really know i freak out and i just feel AWFUL afterwards. I can only assess things until after they have already been done. Le sigh. I wonder if anyone else has these problems.. anywho, today I'm also seeing my girlfriend.. it feels like its been forever! I'm excited, but also very nervous, because I've been so tired and today is definitely a tired day. maybe i can take a nap in one of my classes later. i forgot to mention i hate my english teacher!! she literally spies on me the whole time and is Up in my Ass even thoguh i've literally NEVER not done her work.. LOOK AT MY GRADES LADY!! it's definitely a trans discriminatory thing but it's not like she's mean exactly so there's nothing i can do..

10.17.24

update: I'm feeling better now. I think yesterday was just literally a bad day. I got my confidence back after drawing sum stuff with my drawing tablet. been getting into juice lately. I used to be REALLY scared of drinks for some reason (reason being I have a large history of eating problems but don't worry they do not interfer with my life much anymore) so I've been drinking only water and 0 calorie drinks for 3 years basically.. I started drinking coffee again a few weeks ago, and I think that's what made me realize I really enjoy drinks.. I was recommended cherry tart juice to help with my pain, so I've been drinking it and it's not that flavorful but it's not scary and it's still juice.. and when drinking it I was like this juice stuff is super refreshing and it's easier to get nutrients.. since I struggle to want to eat food sometimes, especialy healthy food. I really love apple juice and I do like orange juice. I'm rambling on but seriously my craving for nice drinks is changing my life. I am still scared so I only drink juice in small quantities but it's really a treat.. if you're feeling down, go drink some juice. also, the orange juice is making me crave oranges very much.. I'm only just realizing that besides the stickiness, eating oranges is a very enjoyable sensory experience for me.. I just need some orange gloves. GOD I love pulp.

10.16.24

Still experiencing lots and lots of pain. discovered extra strength tylenol but i have to stop taking it in 4 days......... I discovered one of my hearingaids this morning broken into two parts. i cried about it for an Hour. absolutely insane, i hate technology.. wat else.. it's college app day but i have no future.. YUCK.. just a yucky moment in time for me. having to figure out art over again because i haven't made anything to keep me going in about three weeks.. geez louise.. also i was supposed to see the garden, drain, militarie gun, and knocked loose last week in concert but my wife got walking pneumonia and i was .. you know.. me.. in my regular pool of pain. currently dreadfully waiting for lunch because my stomach feels like a void and i want my banana and grapes. i'm feeling so demotivated and tired, i'm starting to get behind on my work for the first time this year and the second quarter just started. UGH... i just feel like sleeping (´ρ`) i hope you are all more hopeful than me right now ToT

10.08.24

He-lo world. Had a week and a half long power outage and I still hav no internet.. in other news there aren't a lot of news. i'm not planing anythign for this website as of Right now but i still luv browsing. I cut my hair the shortest i ever have and i love it. I'm having a lot of health issues and went to the doctor a week and a half ago about it but I still don't even have my results about my pancreas because the doctor's power is STILL out. Otherwise my doctor told me nothing except diagnosed me with chronic pain. I applied to a job but it turned out they stopped taking applications like right before so i have to wait a couple months. In the meanwhile i'll probably be making more art and clothes and kandi and eating yummy snacks. Peace ouit.

09.12.24

Hey guys !!! I'm working on the art page.. very slowly. I gotta get back on the grind man I'm forgetting how to code -_-' big things (probably) coming.. heh. Oh man it's gonna take me so long to upload all this art.. Small things updat: last week I had an endoscopy. It was very fun and i got a huge bruise on my hand that's still there because a nurse broke a vital. My school go ta bunch of shooting threats today and I still went to school and it feels like a ghost land in here. (it was fine)

07.31.24

i hadn't updated this website in several months because i got stressed with multiple things at once for a while and just kind of strayed away from most of my interests.. but i've been creating consistently and my love for websites and coding is back ^_^